St. Louis Rams Cut Day: Five Things To Do With Your Donnie Avery Jersey

I know this is hard on you, guy who was trying his damnedest to support the 2009 St. Louis Rams, but there’s no way around it: Your Donnie Avery jersey is no longer current, and it won’t be vintage until the next time the Rams make the playoffs. You do your best to buy a souvenir in the Scott Linehan era, and this is how they treat you? At least they gave people who bought the HP Touchpad their money back. 

It’s held on longer than that Trung Canidate jersey, though, right? Here are five other ways to use your Donnie Avery jersey, if you’re not willing to wait until it’s funny:

1. Distinctly unsexy girl-pajamas. If there’s one thing country and rap songs have both told me, it’s that there’s nothing sexier than a girl waking up next to you in your clothes. There’s nothing weirder than a girl waking up next to you in Donnie Avery’s clothes. 

2. Awkwardly-typeset Mike Sims-Walker jersey. MSW is wearing 10 this year, if you’re interested in wearing an imported injury-prone receiver’s name on your back. Same goes for Brandon Gibson (11) and Jason Smith (77), if you’re good enough with your masking tape. 

3. Proof of your foul-weather fandom. Wearing a Donnie Avery jersey to a game in 2011 says, “I was a fan of the Rams before I knew who Sam Bradford was, and back when his high school team could beat us.” It says, “I was once a big Keith Null fan.”  

4. Imitating Donnie Avery. This only works until casual Rams fans realize he’s no longer on the team, but at a listed size of 5’11”, 183 pounds, there’s no player on the Rams more easily imitable by an average-sized human being. I suggest finding a very dreamy bank teller and attempting to use your uniform as identification for a withdrawal.

5. Dish towels, or something. You can kind of cut it up into—and with the dishes, I think? I don’t know, I’ve never actually done it.