NFL Picks Week 1: North Korea Purchases A St. Louis Sports Concern Edition
This week’s NFC West picks are brought to you by the Korean Central News Agency.
A little less than a year ago SB Nation suggested I start doing an NFL Picks Column. “No problem,” I said, “but who knows what things could look like a year from now? We could be purchased by a paranoid police state bent on supplementing its swindled aid money by fixing the results of NFL games in unlikely ways!”
They hung up there—they must have known something I didn’t—and here we are a year later, SB Nation St. Louis having been purchased by the Korean Central News Agency, and while I have to report to Camp 22 for ideological training next week I said, sure, I’ll set up a placeholder for this week’s picks column! No problem!
So here’s your NFL Picks, Week 1—season two, episode one.
Philadelphia Eagles 27 at St. Louis Rams 31. “Youth Celebrate Offensive Outburst WIth Dancing Parties.”
Supreme Commander of the Korean People’s Army Kim Jong Il, general secretary of the Workers’ Party of Korea and chairman of the National Defence Commission of the DPRK and Regional Editor of SB Nation St. Louis, visited Edward Jones Dome to supervise the offensive production of Sam Bradford, which has reached all-time highs under the careful watch of Josh McDaniels, chairman of the National Offense Commission of the DPRK.
Provincial governor Steve Spagnuolo expressed boundless reverence for the “hands-on” approach of the peerless legendary and brilliant football commander Kim Il Sung, whose invention of the forward pass in 1953 led to the Korean peninsula’s liberation from its Japanese oppressors.
Notorious dog liberator Mike Vick was executed after the game for his counter-revolutionary actions since returning to Imperialist-Rules Football.
Carolina Panthers 7 at Arizona Cardinals 24. “People Visit Statue of Jimmy Clausen On Jimmy Clausen Day.”
Supreme Commander of the Korean People’s Army Kim Jong Il, general secretary of the Workers’ Party of Korea and chairman of the National Defence Commission of the DPRK and Regional Editor of SB Nation St. Louis, celebrated the first anniversary of Jimmy Clausen’s brilliant rookie season by unveiling a statue of Jimmy Clausen at Mangyongdae Fun Fair in the immortal city of Pyongyang. Architectural scholars across the world praised the immortal leader’s detailed work at the unveiling. Jimmy Clausen’s record-breaking season and subsequent acquisition by the People’s National Imperialist Football Team is an inspirational memory for all unified Koreans.
Without Jimmy Clausen the Carolina Panthers will succumb to the satisfactory quarterback play of Kevin Kolb, undersecretary to the People’s Competent Quarterback Council.
Seattle Seahawks 3 at San Francisco 49ers 14. “Kim Jong Il Derides American Quarterback Replacement Strategies.”
Supreme Commander of the Korean People’s Army Kim Jong Il, general secretary of the Workers’ Party of Korea and chairman of the National Defence Commission of the DPRK, derided the United States of America, aggressors the world over, for its decision to replace its obsolete, inadequate quarterbacks in the NFC West with even more inadequate quarterbacks prior to the centennial of the birth of Eternal President Kim Il Sung.
“Tarvaris Jackson is the epitome of American weakness,” said Supreme Commander of the Korean People’s Army and Regional Editor of SB Nation St. Louis Kim Jong Il. “The juche ideal of North Korea exists to preserve an independent People’s Korea and prevent decision-making such as this.”
